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2017/04/18 by Jac Rongen

Eerste hulp bij ongemak

Kleenex “Nou, ik wou anders alleen maar helpen hoor!”

Echt zo’n zinnetje van iemand die van harte wilde helpen. Die nou eens niet aan de kant blijft staan als het lastig of emotioneel wordt.
Om je vervolgens vol medeleven van de wal in de sloot te helpen.
En verontwaardigd is als je dat soort hulp weigert.

Hulp bieden? Houd je dan aan deze 3 regels:

1 Ondersteuning gaat één kant op
Laat de ander vertellen. Jij luistert.

Dikke kans dat je dingen herkent, en dat ook jij van alles voelt en je dingen herinnert. Want de ander komt bij jou omdat er iets klikt.
Houd dan je eigen situatie voor jezelf. De ander heeft al meer dan genoeg aan de eigen situatie. Jouw ervaringen maken het alleen maar zwaarder.

2 Vraag toestemming
Met ongevraagde hulp ondermijn je andermans initiatief en verantwoordelijkheid. Dat helpt iemand niet om uit een vervelende situatie te klauteren.
Het houdt ‘m erin.

3 Weet het niet beter
Vanaf je eigen positie zie je wat de ander niet kan zien. Daardoor kunnen je vragen vanuit een hele verrassende hoek komen.
Da’s mooi, want dat kan een nieuwe kijk opleveren. En voor beweging zorgen.

Zakdoek Maar, als de ander je vraag niet begrijpt, ga er dan maar van uit dat het geen behulpzame vraag was.
Nog niet.

Voel je soms de behoefte om het nog maar eens uit te leggen? Wil je een discussie aangaan?
Niet doen.
Dikke kans dat je meer een boodschap dan een vraag hebt: ben je stiekem toch je eigen mening aan het opdringen.

En de ander is al hard genoeg aan het werk.
Die is beter af zonder dat soort hulp.

2017/02/08 by Jac Rongen

Trust whisperer

‘Why do people pay you for a walk in the woods, dad?’
No way a stroll qualified as work to my son. Ever.

Untill he was allowed to take a friend along on vacation. They were as psyched as teenagers can be about a sunbaked adventure.

But after three days in a foreign country where only our family spoke a language he understood, the friend could no longer see the fun in the sunshine.

His self-confidence started to disappear, and all he could think of was an early flight home.

For sure I was willing to arrange that flight. But wasn’t he going to regret it?
A bit of beachstrolling seemed like a good idea.

The coach conversation took place almost by itself. He discovered how his homesickness got the better of him, when he was more prone to it, and what made things better.
He realized that he had more control over his feelings than he had imagined.
The conversation ended with an ice-cream. Eaten in silence, feet in the water.

He crumbled the empty cone into the water. The first crumb-gobbling fish painted more smile on his face than I had seen in days. He wiped his mouth clean: ‘I think a dip will do me good.’
So much for the flight home.

heimwee, strand

Later that week the boys sit one row behind me in the bus. Adolescently they discuss their vocational options. I pick up one fragment of the conversation.

‘I do understand what your dad does for a living. He’s a trust whisperer.’
‘What do you mean. Did he give you trust?’
‘No man, I always had that. But he helped me find it back.’

I savour the honorific title for my LinkedIn profile:
Trust whisperer.

Send me an email when you write a new blog
naar Nederlands

2016/02/10 by Jac Rongen

A beautiful crisis

Some time ago I had a heart attack. It’s one of those things you wouldn’t voluntarily sign up for.
And yet, looking back, I would not have missed the experience for anything.

Nowadays I run at least twice a week. I shoot bow and arrow with clients in the outdoors for hours on end, have coaching walks with others, no matter what the weather. And I dedicate 4 hours a week to jodo.

Do I have the same capacity as before my heart attack?
Nope. But these days I do move mountains of work.
I do so because I have chosen to do so.

The human body has a pretty neat design: when something hurts enough, you want to part with it. And trust me: when every beat of your heart has been hurting for a while, any alternative becomes a tempting option.

One silent night in hospital, when the buzz around me had quieted down, my whole body was ready to join in with the absolute quietness. Letting go of it all seemed like a much better option than to keep biting through the pain.

But then I heard the voices of our kids. Doubt struck:
accept responsibility for the future, or embrace the quiet. I didn’t know what to do.

Other voices made themselves heard as well, and more and more faces showed up, both familiar and new. Casual, not pushy.
Their appearance diminished the seductive appeal of tranquility, and increased my doubt.

Eventually I made a very conscious choice, and turned my back on peace and quiet – for now.

Since then, I rarely feel that life is something that happened to me.
I was allowed to choose for it.

Lame excuses like background and upbringing have lost their validity. For I knew exactly which cards I held in my hands when I returned to the game.

A beautiful crisis. I could sometimes wish others one of those, if I didn’t know better.

I want to know when you write a new blog.
naar Nederlands

2015/03/28 by Jac Rongen

Beveiligd: A Onderwerpen

2015/01/30 by Jac Rongen

Free learning

The best thing you can do at school as a parent?
Be a reading dad!

When I enter the classroom, a couple of kids are waiting with big bright eyes: who can join me today?
For I will throw a little party.
A reading party.

The first kid that the teacher chooses, rummages through shelves of instructional material, reading booklets, and remedial teaching stuff.
From the body language it is clear. This is a kid with a mission.

I let this process run free. For when the kid choses too simple an instruction set, he bores himself to death.
Sometimes the same kid then later overestimates himself. And gets totally frustrated trying to read a booklet way over his head.
These things happen once, and then the child knows exactly what is needed to get ahead.

At some rare ocasions I get a request from the teacher when the kid needs to focus on something. Diphtongs, or the likes of it. So that the kid doesn’t fall behind with the rest of the class.

I do that of course.
And every child obliges as well.
But: we laugh less. Learning turns into work. And some magic disappears.

At those moments I realise again the luxury of learning in my coaching sessions.
Where there is laughter.
With coachees that figure out for themselves what they need to learn. Fast.

And where magic is still the norm.
naar Nederlands

2012/07/10 by Jac Rongen

How to catch a dolphin by train

Headache riddle for a manager: ‘How can you organise large groups of people so they keep in close contact without stepping on each other’s toes?’
Knee-jerk answer: write manuals. Many many manuals. With procedures.

Sure: if your bank goes bankrupt, you want to know who burnt your money. And everyone wants solid procedures to prevent these things.

But, procedures muffle personal communication. The good news is: a smart employees will develop the wildest work arounds. Bend a rule or two. Just to do his work as he thinks it should be done. Or to keep things fun.

The other day I took the train with our youngest. As soon as the conductor laid his eyes on her, he seemed to remember something, and started smiling. Out of a hidden pocket, he magically produced a kid’s paper puncher. The tension rose slightly. I could hear a drum roll. Then a dolphin jumped from the ticket punch. It kept my 5-year old grinning for the rest of the train ride.

Still, the little ticket keeps popping up in our house. My daughter is a driven train lobbyist for life.
Thanks a red little plastic puncher.
And a professional out of his box.
naar Nederlands

2012/07/10 by Jac Rongen

‘Wanneer gaan we weer ’ns met de trein?’

Hoe organiseer je massa’s mensen nu zo, dat ze kunnen samenwerken in hele grote groepen, zonder dat ze langs elkaar heen werken of elkaar in de weg lopen?

Regels, heel veel regels maken, en die vastleggen op papier, zodat werknemers zouden kunnen weten wat ze zouden moeten doen, is de organisatiereflex. Vaak is dat ook begrijpelijk: als er vliegtuig neerstort, of een bankrekening niet tot op de cent klopt, dan wil je tóch wel een schuldige kunnen aanwijzen, of nog beter: je wil dat voorkomen.

Echter, die procedures komen de kwaliteit van het werk of de communicatie niet altijd ten goede. Werknemers vinden dan weer allerlei slimme wegen om, al dan niet met een lichte aanpassing van de regels, ‘gewoon’ hun werk te doen. Gewoon betekent dan vaak: goed, mits je kijkt door de bril van de medewerker.

Hoe inventief medewerkers zijn in hun werk goed doen, toont zich soms op een bijna onzichtbare manier. Zo ging een treinconducteur recentelijk even een speciale tang halen om het kaartje van mijn dochter te knippen. De spanning steeg, en het resultaat gaf een feestelijke verwondering die de hele reis naar Maastricht voortduurde. Ja, hoe makkelijk is het soms om een vijfjarige blij te maken.

Nu, maanden later, zwerft het kaartje nog steeds door ons huis. Mijn dochter blijft overtuigd voorstander van de trein boven de auto. En dat alles door een goedkoop dolfijntangetje van de Action. Ik vraag me af wat het zou kosten wanneer je zo’n effect als bedrijf probeert te organiseren.

Ja, laat ze maar schuiven, die werknemers. Nou maar hopen dat het tangetje niet in een werkprocedure wordt gevangen.
to English

2011/09/22 by Jac Rongen

Mass Psychology for Dummies

Highlights from mass psychology brought together in a funny 3-minute video. About the overrating of leadership, and the importance of first followers.
(with thanks to Krijn Korver)
naar Nederlands

2011/09/22 by Jac Rongen

Massapsychologie voor Dummies

Hoogtepunten uit de massapsychologie samengevat in een grappig filmpje van 3 minuten. Over de overschatting van leiderschap, en het belang van de eerste volgelingen.
(met dank aan Krijn Korver)
to English

2011/09/06 by Jac Rongen

“Wish you were here”

“Why write holiday postcards,”was the recurring question from people around me this summer, when they observed the many hours that I spend writing cards, also the addresses. “You can print those nowadays, you know.”

To me, however, this offers a yearly moment of reflection. Noticing that I haven’t seen someone for a(nother) year, I become acutely aware if not having seen the person makes me sorry or not. Ever so often I stop writing, but usually the mailing list gets longer every year, with good memories attached.
In some cases it also provides a good exercise. Especially if the interaction wasn’t all that smoothly in the past year, I force myself to keep searching until I find something that I can truthfully thank the other for. And I write that down.

If you read this, and you unexpectedly didn’t get a card, I probably lost your address, or Outlook did something funny. Please drop me a mail at jac@rongen.com with your snail-mail address , and I will be thinking of you next year as I write an old fashioned postcard.

The Swedish Mail has developed a new approach to sending cards, and uses Facebook and other applications in an ingenious way to automatically produce postcards that are supposed to convey a feeling of intimacy.

naar Nederlands